In nursing school, I was educated on the clinical definition of depression from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders which includes “depressed mood, loss of interest or pleasure, an increase or decrease in appetite, a slowing of thought and reduction of physical movement, fatigue or loss of energy, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, indecisiveness, and recurrent suicidal thoughts”. But when I personally experienced depression years later, these were not just words in a manual to me.
My depression manifested as a surprise to me since I always worked hard and lived well. In the beginning, I lost interest in the things that had once brought me joy. Later in my condition, I lost my motivation for everything. Nothing mattered to me anymore. I didn’t care about living, eating, my personal hygiene, or the fact that I had a loving family. I felt completely alone in the universe without any hope.
A lot of people who suffer from depression are trapped in their disease, so I knew from my medical background that if I did not defeat this disease, I would die from it. That fear of death led me to start meditation. With the help of my meditation instructor, I started to accept my condition.
That little voice inside me changed from “I don’t want to live anymore” to “I can see that you are going through a difficult time right now. That’s okay. You don’t have to do anything if you don’t feel like doing anything at the moment. No matter what others may think, what you are feeling right now isn’t wrong. It doesn’t mean you’re different. I’m here to tell you that you need some rest. It’s okay to take a step back and just watch other people walk ahead.”
This shift in attitude has made all the difference in the world. I have been able to see that all the enemies in my mind are actually opportunities for self-reflection and growth. I am so grateful for this meditation that I can finally see hope again and I have the tools to see all positives and negatives in my life as a gift, rather than a curse. Thank you!
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